Saturday, June 25, 2016

Fly on the Wall

I just had the incredible privilege of spending a few hours as a fly on the wall with a group of professionals privately remembering a colleague who died suddenly and unexpectedly the night before, at far too young of an age.

I sat and mostly listened to this group of a dozen or so extraordinary individuals, all at the top of their respective fields and specialties, talk of this person as a giant among themselves. "The best of any of us." "Irritating for all the right and good reasons." "Joy... fully... present." A small but incredibly meaningful collection of stories and memories of who she was. A work ethic beyond not just average people, beyond exceedingly extraordinary people. A consensus of how she would be pissed off if she knew they were gathering without her. Especially without drinking wine. A recognizance of just how many groups in her professional field would claim her as family.

I only had the small fortune to have spent a short dinner with this person a few weeks prior, so I barely knew her. I was incredibly moved by the collective view of her as various people reminisced about her character and actions. In just a few short hours, it quickly became clear this human was exceptional in every way, personally and professionally. I heard stories of uncompromising passion and principle, even in the smallest of moments of daily life. I heard stories of compassion and giving far and beyond what either her career required or what most people would be capable of. Of a dazzling intellect far beyond her peers, somehow combined with a fiercely loyal and selfless humanist ethos. Of a person who knew exactly who she was, what she stood for, and both were Good.

I have limited experience with death, but I'm not a stranger to it. In my experience, when someone dies, there are a million standard cliches and platitudes that get exchanged... but if we are honest, most people's lives are unremarkable. As a species, we are still severely rooted in self serving instinctual behaviors... we lie, we compromise, we fear others, because our lingering lizard brain biology tells us we must to survive, or for petty self-centered reward cycles. As a result, most people truly only really touch a small handful of their closest circle when they pass away.

However, the loss of this particular human is devastating to this group of people, for the sheer mass of humanity she affected, influenced, and made better, apparently with little to no regard of self gain. This group of remarkable, solid, well grounded humans, humans that are extremely well versed in life and death and all the misery and joy and sorrow and victory of everything that can happen in between... these people are devastated by the loss of this one individual.

Wow. There can be no more exact and honest measure of a person than what I just observed. How glorious to be remembered by your peers like that?! I am dumbfounded by the sheer height of just the shadow of her memory.

So why am I writing this? I'm not really sure. I feel like I could write for hours and process much more of what I just saw. The sorrow of her passing was palpable. The immediate gravity of the loss she represents directly and indirectly to what I can only imagine is literally thousands of people is something I've just never witnessed. It makes me sad that I didn't know her better. It makes me hopeful that my sons will someday be remembered even in a fraction of a light like that. It makes me want to do anything I can to prop up and support the people that held her dear.

Maybe most importantly, it inspires me. This human, who I don't know and spent less than a total of 3 hours with, in just an informal remembrance of who she was by others, inspires me with her example. The weight of her loss that I sense gives me hope that there can be and there are more humans like her. Humans that aren't regressing to build walls and define lines between other humans. Humans that spend every last ounce of energy making the world a better place in whatever way they can, big or small, instead of spending energy fighting weaker or gentler or just different humans because... I guess power or insanity or I don't know what.

I want to hold up this giant portrait of a human painted by her peers, and just shout to all of humanity, "THIS. Be like this. PLEASE, BE LIKE THIS. Everything will get better if you do." I want to be more like this person.

It's cliche, but I'll ask it anyway, because in the moment of today I'm asking myself: How are you going to be remembered by those who really knew you? When all you are and ever were, boils down to a couple of hours of memories in a small room of your peers?


I hope you like it. I hope it inspires another fly on the wall in some way. I hope your memory is a fucking unmistakable footprint on this universe for the better. Up to you... Cheers!