Fly on the Wall

I just had the incredible privilege of spending a few hours as a fly on the wall with a group of professionals privately remembering a colleague who died suddenly and unexpectedly the night before, at far too young of an age.

I sat and mostly listened to this group of a dozen or so extraordinary individuals, all at the top of their respective fields and specialties, talk of this person as a giant among themselves. "The best of any of us." "Irritating for all the right and good reasons." "Joy... fully... present." A small but incredibly meaningful collection of stories and memories of who she was. A work ethic beyond not just average people, beyond exceedingly extraordinary people. A consensus of how she would be pissed off if she knew they were gathering without her. Especially without drinking wine. A recognizance of just how many groups in her professional field would claim her as family.

I only had the small fortune to have spent a short dinner with this person a few weeks prior, so I barely knew her. I was incredibly moved by the collective view of her as various people reminisced about her character and actions. In just a few short hours, it quickly became clear this human was exceptional in every way, personally and professionally. I heard stories of uncompromising passion and principle, even in the smallest of moments of daily life. I heard stories of compassion and giving far and beyond what either her career required or what most people would be capable of. Of a dazzling intellect far beyond her peers, somehow combined with a fiercely loyal and selfless humanist ethos. Of a person who knew exactly who she was, what she stood for, and both were Good.

I have limited experience with death, but I'm not a stranger to it. In my experience, when someone dies, there are a million standard cliches and platitudes that get exchanged... but if we are honest, most people's lives are unremarkable. As a species, we are still severely rooted in self serving instinctual behaviors... we lie, we compromise, we fear others, because our lingering lizard brain biology tells us we must to survive, or for petty self-centered reward cycles. As a result, most people truly only really touch a small handful of their closest circle when they pass away.

However, the loss of this particular human is devastating to this group of people, for the sheer mass of humanity she affected, influenced, and made better, apparently with little to no regard of self gain. This group of remarkable, solid, well grounded humans, humans that are extremely well versed in life and death and all the misery and joy and sorrow and victory of everything that can happen in between... these people are devastated by the loss of this one individual.

Wow. There can be no more exact and honest measure of a person than what I just observed. How glorious to be remembered by your peers like that?! I am dumbfounded by the sheer height of just the shadow of her memory.

So why am I writing this? I'm not really sure. I feel like I could write for hours and process much more of what I just saw. The sorrow of her passing was palpable. The immediate gravity of the loss she represents directly and indirectly to what I can only imagine is literally thousands of people is something I've just never witnessed. It makes me sad that I didn't know her better. It makes me hopeful that my sons will someday be remembered even in a fraction of a light like that. It makes me want to do anything I can to prop up and support the people that held her dear.

Maybe most importantly, it inspires me. This human, who I don't know and spent less than a total of 3 hours with, in just an informal remembrance of who she was by others, inspires me with her example. The weight of her loss that I sense gives me hope that there can be and there are more humans like her. Humans that aren't regressing to build walls and define lines between other humans. Humans that spend every last ounce of energy making the world a better place in whatever way they can, big or small, instead of spending energy fighting weaker or gentler or just different humans because... I guess power or insanity or I don't know what.

I want to hold up this giant portrait of a human painted by her peers, and just shout to all of humanity, "THIS. Be like this. PLEASE, BE LIKE THIS. Everything will get better if you do." I want to be more like this person.

It's cliche, but I'll ask it anyway, because in the moment of today I'm asking myself: How are you going to be remembered by those who really knew you? When all you are and ever were, boils down to a couple of hours of memories in a small room of your peers?

I hope you like it. I hope it inspires another fly on the wall in some way. I hope your memory is a fucking unmistakable footprint on this universe for the better. Up to you... Cheers!

Divorce as the Death of Identity

I came across this comment tonight from "Karen", from a couple years old blog post on Divorce and Grief (with a lot of very insightful and helpful comments on it). Her experience and view resonate exactly with how I felt/feel, going on 6 months past finalizing a divorce of a 10+ year marriage. The commenter's blog seems to be long gone or I would just link to it, so I'm going to share it in its entirety here. As the commenter points out at the end... sharing is caring ;)

I feel like this sentiment, and especially recognizing and riding the "ebbing and flowing nature of feelings" is what gets me through every day in my own experience, more than any other piece of advice or any other factor.

Whoever "Karen" is... thanks for writing this, and I hope my repost helps someone else along the way too.

Karen Says [in response to the blog post at http://mightygirl.com/2012/06/26/divorce-and-grief/]: 

Lots of good insights here and I don’t know if I can add anything brilliant, but I will join the chorus anyway!

I’m on my third marriage, so I know this song far too well. I married far too young and divorced within a year. I felt sad and ashamed, but the relationship was too brief (for me anyway) to feel that much loss. My second relationship cratered 2 years into the marriage, ending 7 years after we started, and to this day it was the darkest two years of my entire life. I felt like I was losing everything, and in a way I was – just like so many people here, what I lost was my entire mental and emotional understanding of who I was and how my life worked. This is absolutely a death, if not a physical death – the loss of identity that comes with the dissolution of a major relationship is a death that is unlike any other.

Not more or worse, obviously – I’m sorry that people misunderstood your comparison there, because it was certainly clear to me. There are all kinds of deaths, we all go through them all the time, and it’s an accurate term. The concept of death isn’t remotely limited to the physical death of a person. For most of us, that is the worst form of death, but not for everyone, so I will join the ranks of those respectfully suggesting that we each own our experience and not try to impose our definitions on other people.

Again, many others have hit on this – the death is of identity and expectations, which cuts deeper than most of us ever expect. Very few people really understand how much their expectations of the future shape them, and the loss of the entire landscape of your life when your expectations explode is terrifying in a way that’s very hard to put into words. You literally don’t know who you are anymore – that’s how our identity as a partner (particularly a spouse) is woven through our being. That thread gets pulled and suddenly we’re just a collection of parts, falling to the ground, nothing connecting to anything else like it used to. Who knew all that was bound together by that thread, that word?

There’s always more there than we think at first, and usually the new entity that arises when the parts grow back together is a better one, but she’s indisputably different, and it’s a process that never truly “finishes”. I agree with everyone else that a separation of this magnitude diminishes over time but may not ever go away entirely – I think it’s a “long tail” type of thing, and that seems to be consistent with all major loss. I’m not sure it’s fair to ever expect anyone to “be over” something in the sense that it never hurts ever again in any way, for the rest of your life.

That being said, others have pointed out the real danger in nursing our wounds, too. I don’t get the impression (from this distant vantage point anyway) that you’re prone to that, but a lot of us do hang on to the hurt a long time past when it’s beneficial.

I think of our emotions as the tides of our oceanic beings, but our culture doesn’t support the “ebbing and flowing” nature of feelings (as someone else commented). We’re supposed to “manage” our emotions and keep them linear and organized, they’re supposed to be good servants to our busy little minds, and they must above all never be inconvenient.

I have never known this to work for anyone.

Letting those surges come up, and then fall back again, in their own time and to their own height, as much as possible seems to be a key element to healing. Clearly there are times we can’t just let our emotions do as they will, but those times are rarer than most of us believe. It’s also important to keep enough of a “watcher mind” to insure that you’re not getting into genuinely dangerous territory – if the ebbs get deeper and deeper, or start to outnumber the flows by an increasing amount, it’s important to change course and get help. If you’re basically functional, though, make as much room in yourself as you can to just let those tides come and go. You don’t need to do anything in response, almost always, and not blocking them, judging them, or trying to escape from them lets the emotions actually move through less destructively.

Beyond that, caring for ourselves in whatever positive ways we can is essential, but that’s so personal it’s hard to advise – each of us finds comfort and fortitude in such different things. The common elements of really understanding the magnitude of the loss and disorientation helps to give us permission to take as long as we need to take, and letting the emotions come up without fighting them, judging them, or needing to react to them is like emotional cleansing. Get feedback to make sure we’re not stuck in the hurt, comfort and tend to ourselves in whatever way works for us, and that’s about all any of us can do, I think.

Well, one more thing – we can share our own stories if we’re able, so that we can share the pain and share the fact that it always does get better. I’ll quote one of my favorite writers, Spider Robinson, who based his life and writing on the belief that “Shared pain is lessened; shared joy increased.” May that always be true for all of us.

Tough Mudder Training: PCP, PBJs and HOS

Hey you sexy mudder fuckers! There is always a constant debate/discussion about ways to get in shape, ways to eat healthy, etc. I thought I would share what I've been up to the last few years which has worked really well for me, hoping that it helps someone else (i.e. mostly my friends who are scared of running their first TM) in their own experience.

I've been putting together a spreadsheet of basically what I did to get in shape the last 3 years. Well I've done a lot more recently, but the spreadsheet reflects my first year pretty well. I've found it's pretty good prep for the Tough Mudder challenge specifically. I'm not selling anything other than common sense, and I wish more people would realize you don't need to buy anything or rely on external forces to make yourself healthy, stronger and happier.

You Are The Gym

You don't need fucking weights. You don't need a fucking gym membership (drop into the rec center for a pool). You just need the commitment to yourself, some good running shoes (I swear by Vibrams, I will never run in anything else again, this running schedule is pretty good for transitioning to them if you'd like), and a place for hanging/pull ups. Monkeybars and soccer goal posts on kid playgrounds are perfect for this, if you don't have a good place in your house/office.

For reference, when I started ~3 years ago, I could not do 10 pushups in a row, and I was running 11+ minute miles and getting extremely winded. Today I can do about 70 pushups over a few minutes, and I'm running sub 7 minute miles pretty regularly. I don't even bring water running less than 6ish miles. I don't feel like I've worked all that hard to get here, other than being consistent. I feel healthier and stronger than I've ever been in my life.


DISCLAIMER: You are responsible for your own body. I am not a personal trainer, I assume no liability if you follow this schedule and hurt yourself. Don't be dumb, if something hurts get it fixed or stop doing what makes it hurt. Listen to your body and adjust for your own situation.

Without further ado:
Ryan's Magical Fitness Spreadsheet for Tough Mudder Training for my Buddies

And accompanying explanations and thoughts...

Spreadsheet Key

PCP = Pushups, Crunches, Pull-ups. Active motion exercises. You can add variance to these, as long as you're doing the same idea of form. For example, a pushup could be narrow, on your fists, diamond shape hands, one leg up, etc. Crunches can be traditional crunches, leg lifts, scissor kicks, etc. Pull-ups you can change grips, forward, backward, sideways.
The numbers listed are daily totals of each kind of movement. Break them up however you need to but get the total done within that 24 hours (e.g. do 1 pushup every couple of minutes if you have to, to get to 10; or just bust out 2 sets of 5 or 1 set of 10).

PBJ = Planks, Boats, Jangles. Static hold exercises. Like a PBJ sandwich just holds itself together.

Plank is holding your body straight in a push up position. A boat is like a plank for your abs. Just like in yoga, sit on your butt, legs raised in front of you with feet off the floor, arms loose to the side, back at 45 degrees, making a boat shape and hold while balancing on your butt. Jangles just means hanging by your arms, like at the bottom of a pull up. I used Jangles because it makes a better acronym.
The numbers listed are daily totals of seconds to hold each kind of static hold. Again, break them up however you need to to do the totals within a single day.

HOS = Horse stance, Obliques, Slow ups. Supplemental exercises. Horse stance is simply standing in a squat with your knees wide, toes pointing out, balanced vertically, as low as you can go and holding it. Slow ups are pull ups, but done as slowly and smoothly as you can force yourself to do, both up and down. Obliques are sideways situps.
Numbers listed are daily totals, break them up as needed (horse is seconds to hold in horse stance).

If a calendar day lists PCP, do the PCP totals for that day. If it lists PBJ, do those. HOS, same. If you have questions on proper technique for any of these, lmgtfy.com or ask some exercisey/crossfitty friends or see a PT for a day.

If a calendar day lists "Miles xX", run that many miles. You don't have to run fast. You do have to not walk. To work on your lung capacity for altitude, sing while you run. I mean sing, not mouth or lipsync. Sing really fucking loud. Doesn't matter if you're off key, turn your earbuds up so you can't hear yourself. Enjoy that other people you run by will think you are batshit insane and have a story to tell their friends.

If a calendar day lists "Swim x lengths" go swim that many lengths in a normal sized pool, any stroke. Try to make a length underwater for lung capacity.

Don't Eat Crap All The Time

I mostly just tried to cut out processed foods (esp. anything with high fructose corn syrup) and soda where possible, and eat lots of different stuff on a weekly basis. The single best thing you can do is replace any consistent soda intake (yes even diet soda) with water. It's not that hard, get over it.

I still indulge in Krispy Kreme donuts, root beer floats and delicious junk whenever I feel like it. Just make sure it's not habitual and that your indulgences are equally balanced with lots of fresh veggies, fruits and meats and all of the things.

Diet wise, don't fucking calorie count, don't subscribe to any rigid diet unless your doctor tells you too. You'll just stress yourself out and create lots of ways to fail and feel bad about yourself. Don't buy expensive supplements other than maybe a daily multivitamin. Fresh food is generally cheaper and has more benefit of nutrient synergies that supplements don't. In fact, many supplements have been proven to go right through you with little benefit at all.

Drink lots of water. Gatorade is shit, you don't need it. Powerade is even worse. Almost all sports drinks are totally unnecessary unless you are a pro athlete competing at a top 1% level. Water, bananas, pretzels for hydration replenishment. And I hate bananas, but they are so cheap and easy to eat and they look funny.

Drink some booze now and again, don't cut it out. It does wonders for muscle and psychological relaxation. And booze is proven to make you more likely to have sex, which is also great for getting in shape in so many ways!

Philosophichalousness

Stick to this, and I guarantee the Tough Mudder will be not much of a challenge. It's an extremely gradual progression over 40ish weeks. Rearrange what things to do on what days to fit your schedule because real life is real. The key is doing something literally every single day.

Equally as important, learn to be still, don't be restless all the time. If you're restless, you're not resting... thus the word. Meditation or doing things that put you in a meditative state can really help your body recover from physical training. For example, take a quick nap after masturbating at work.

Also read Born to Run.

We've all got one life and one body to live it in. Use it well and discover its limits, before it's in a wheelchair and diapers. Don't do any of this for anyone else. Do this for yourself, and you'll surprise yourself constantly with what you are capable of. Start today.

The (Predictable) Passive Purity Patrol, On Duty One Sunday A Year

I just saw a few Facebook posts and ensuing threads engaging in discussion of the appropriateness of Beyonce's Superbowl Wardrobe. This spurred a few questions I'd like to pose to anyone seriously going there. Not that this post is going in any solid direction, but the echoes of the nipple incident are amusing to me.

Comments on Facebook include asking why the dancers have to always wear leotards, put their crotches in our faces, and be so hyper-sexualized. The concern for the impression it was suddenly setting for daughters everywhere seems pretty universal.

Right... because there's no tradition of flagrant crotch showing and skimpily clothed dancing in football. Luckily nobody in America is putting a daughter into cheerleading before the age of 18 though.

Hmm. Well, at least we're not exposed to this kind of filth in other highly popular sports with large female focus aired during daytime hours, such as Olympic ice skating.


Well... I mean, at least there's really no sex in the most popular forms of dancing in general...

From the official Dancing with the Stars page. Hey Concerned Mom! Watching DWTS at 8 Eastern, 7 Central every Sunday with your impressionable daughters? 

Hmmm. Maybe we should go back to the good old days of selling sex to kids in well clothed boy band form in the middle of a Disney stage? Because that's not messed up at all if you really think about it.

Side note: how many people remember any Superbowl half time show from the 90s or prior? 

NONE. BECAUSE... THEY. WERE. UNWATCHABLE. OK maybe I exaggerate a bit... but let's at least appreciate the production value people.

So all this fretting about our little kids' futures being corrupted due to a brief pause of the sport we've invited them to watch with us, where giant warrior men run at each other full speed and attempt to make brain smoothies with each other.

No one gets this upset that commercials featuring brutal combat and frivolous gun scenes, such as Jack Reacher movies and Call of Duty games, are spammed every Sunday afternoon throughout game times.

Keep in mind I'm saying this as a consumer of much of those violent media that I fight for every day as valid adult art experiences. I LOVE football and played it in my teens. I love action movies and games.

But the underlying message for anyone that seriously raises objections over a Superbowl halftime on grounds of family appropriateness is: "Sex BAD and UNUSUAL. Violence GOOD and NORMAL," unless you are also raising hell over what the NFL actually is and what's being marketed alongside the NFL product every day.

While we get all caught up in the importance of Beyonce's wardrobe and its effects on our kids, we usher them routinely into activities, toys and engagements that are just as if not more inappropriate.

In 2005, global sales were two billion dollars and by 2006 Bratz had about forty percent of the fashion-doll market (via Wikipedia).

'Merica!

Guns... Huh. What Are They Good For?

I've generally stayed on the Amendment 2 side of the gun control debate, even though I'll never own a gun personally. This is mostly for the same reasons as illegal drugs... making them illegal is impossible to enforce and creates a profitable black market for organized crime, only ones with guns are criminals etc. And having camped in the Rocky Mountains many times, I can definitely understand the desire for carrying a firearm there.

However, a friend on Facebook provoked the question how often do guns actually have a positive effect? Googling shows a few pages claiming relatively high incident rates (>100K) of gun use in self defense, so one could theoretically say there are some number of related saved lives due to guns. But no one really knows as it is very what-if, and the large majority of those seem to be petty robbery defense cases.

Then, as another friend from the UK and his limey kin will point out, there are virtually never handgun deaths/violence in the UK. This link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_firearm-related_death_rate shows almost 2 orders of magnitude difference in firearm death between the USA (~9) and UK (~.2), per 100K population per year.

The UK as far as I know does not have a terrible black market gun problem, nor have I ever feared getting shot on many visits and many drunken nights through various cities and streets and alleys there. Mugged? yes. Shot? no.

I can't count the number of times I've feared being shot growing up in Alabama and Colorado (any of my high school friends from Aurora can sympathize), and in fact have had guns pulled on me two times, including once pointed at me from a foot away, and I know several people who have actually been shot.

So now I'm pondering...

Can anyone explain the difference between the US and the UK on this topic, if it is not gun control? I have a few theories on other factors that contribute (namely illicit drug policy and religious atmosphere), but I suspect they are marginal compared to simply not having 270 FUCKING MILLION guns laying around their country (http://www.gunpolicy.org/firearms/region/united-states#number_of_privately_owned_firearms).

And finally, what's the point of owning a gun anymore? 

Sorry hunters: I don't give a shit anymore about your joy of killing an animal with a tool that you had nothing to do with inventing, unless your name is Smith or Wesson and you're over 150 years old.
Sorry militia men: If the world's most well funded military wants to oppress us all someday, your fucking Glock isn't going to stack up against a $700B annual budget. Seriously. It's not 1776 anymore folks. We have lasers that will put a pin hole in your heart from a mile away, insta-kill.
Sorry inner city: I know there are cops that are bad people and assholes just like any other line of work. But maybe they'd be somewhat less on edge if they didn't think every small time asshole they have to deal with is more likely than not packing heat.
Sorry self-defense advocates: Learn kung-fu, kraw-maga, gymnastics, or get in shape so you can run zig zag patterns if you're that paranoid. The couple of times I've had guns pulled on me, there was zero chance if I would have been armed with a gun I could have done anything but got myself or someone I cared about killed. Had I known close quarter physical combat techniques however, in both cases I might have had a realistic option.

Guns don't kill people, people with guns kill people... but guns make killing a lot of people quickly really easy. Try to demonstrate how any of the 3 major incidents in the last year are even close to the same magnitude with a non-firearm weapon.

So yeah. I'm pretty much done with guns.

Never, Ever Give Up

Watch this and I dare you to not be amazed: Arthur's Inspirational Transformation

This guy's story basically sums up the title of my blog and my ideal life philosophy. You are exactly who you think you are, no matter what anyone else tells you. Humans are incredible creatures and so few of us reach our true potential. Watch this and think about what you can do in your life if you believe in yourself and really try.

Arthur's story is highlighted from the beginning, in the upcoming documentary, INSPIRED: The Movie. http://www.inspiredthemovie.com and he used Diamond Dallas Page's yoga instruction.

(originally saw this via Jessica Brown on Facebook)

To My Boys

I know none of you can really read this right now (well maybe Brody can), but I wanted to tell you a few things, in case of tidal wave.  I believe placing this information in the hands of google is the safest way to make sure this message survives until the Earth crumbles.

Nothing makes me happier than looking into each of your eyes.  I know now that I never experienced true love until I met each of you.

In each of you I see a unique person so amazing it stuns me.

Brody, you are a kinetic joy.  Like me, I think you will never be comfortable if you are not in motion.  I'm sorry that I constantly ask you to sit back down when we eat dinner, it's just that I don't want you to choke.  Don't ever let anyone stop you, including yourself. Your potential is boundless, explore it.

Clyde, your mind is a laser.  I am constantly in awe of your ability to focus, problem solve, and organize.  I'm sorry that I have to limit your time with the iPad, it's just that I want you to find balance.  Never stop asking questions, and you will never be bored.  And never stop telling those knock-knocks, because life's a laugh and death's a joke. It's true.

Sully, you are as determined as a bulldozer.  You may actually be more persistent than me, which you will find is both a gift and a curse.  I'm sorry that I repeatedly carry you back into your bed, it's just that I want you to get some sleep, you need it at this age.  Keep laughing insanely not only when you take things apart, but also when you put them back together in new ways.  You will succeed in whatever you decide to succeed at, because I know you will never give up.

All three of you are so smart, so talented, and so ... tall.  I am so proud I can call myself your dad.

I've taken a few trips around the sun, and I've learned life can be anything you want it to be.  You will have rough times, you will have smooth sailing; you will be sad, you will be happy; you will face tragedy and you will celebrate. Through all of this, remain true to yourself, and you will triumph.

Here are some things I have gathered that I hope will help you get through easier, like during those cold winters when the corn is all gone and nobody feels like talking:

• Sunshine makes you happy; Rain makes you sad.  Use both of these as needed.
• A good chef keeps their workspace clean; mop up your messes as you go.
• When you are walking, keep your chin up and an eye in the sky.  Most people miss a lot because they forget to look up and around.
• You don't stop running because you get old; you get old because you stop running.
• Reversing any statement makes it sound wiser; but wisdom cannot be reversed.  Holy shit, I just made that up, pretty good right?
• Fear is a mind killer.  Fear is the little death that obliterates. You must not fear. Fear will pass through you and around you, and when it is gone, only you will remain.
• Hug like you mean it, but only if you mean it.
• One drink, one water.  (This will make more sense when you are older)
• If you decide to travel the world some day, for the love of Hank go somewhere tropical and not to a place with 10 months of rain per year.
• If someone hits your car and says not to call insurance because they have a friend that will fix it, call insurance.
• Don't do heroin.  Don't take any opiates if you can avoid it.
• Do some hallucinogens in high school so you can understand how easy it is for your brain to believe in things that don't exist.
• When you are eating a meal, don't multi-task.  Focus on smelling and tasting your food.  Apply this to all quality life experiences.
• A Lannister always pays his debts. 
• Learning Chinese would be a really good idea.
• If you have an opportunity to visit outer space, take it.
• Don't look for happiness from other people or things; Happiness comes from experiences and starts within yourself.
• Massages are real; Chiropractic is not.
• Diets are ridiculous. Eat whatever the hell you want, just eat lots of different stuff and go run and swim and bike and stuff.  
• Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
• Play to win, but always respect your opponent.
• Even though mom will want to sell them at a garage sale, keep your best toys at all costs.
• Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy fast cars. Driving fast can definitely make you happy.
• Be safe if you drive fast.
• People that can dance are great in the sack.  (This will make more sense when you are older)
• While we're on the subject, learn to play the guitar.  It's so clear to me now...
• ALWAYS ASK QUESTIONS. ALWAYS. Anyone that asks you to accept something on faith is selling something that you don't want to buy (whether they know it or not).
• Nothing lasts longer in human relationships than memories, for better or worse.  Refresh them often.
• Scuba diving is TOTALLY RAD.
• Take risks. Be bold. Make mistakes. Get hurt. Fail often.
• Call your mother.  Tell her you love her.
• The one good piece of advice I got from my own dad: When you take pictures, take them with people in them.  You won't care about beautiful but empty landscape & architecture photos years later.
• Chase your passions to the end of time.

Well, that's just a few things off the top of my head.  I sincerely hope it helps.  If I think of any more, we can discuss out on the trampoline or something.

You each walk an infinite path; all of life's challenges are feathers before you.  

Remember each other, never leave your brothers behind.  Good luck on your journeys.

And know this: No matter what, I will always love you. Absolutely and without condition, I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Love, Dad