How to Defend Your Kids From Sex Abuse: Parents Please Read

This is a touchy subject (and a long post) but one worth spreading information on. With the 5 years of parent & kid research we did on my recent experience working on LEGO Universe, I've realized how important it is to spread accurate information about child safety and dispel myths that can be a dead end waste of concern for parents, or worse cause parents to not pay attention to a real risk. What better time then back to school to share this.

A few months ago I went to a little workshop on sex abuse and kids at Bal Swan, run by Feather Burkower. I have to admit right up front, I really didn't want to go. For one thing it was three hours long. I was expecting it to be a bunch of horribly slow paced cliche warnings and anecdotes that would remind me of going to church as a kid. Tangent: funny how church is so easily associated with this topic, but I digress.

Anyway, the session was actually really good and I came away feeling glad about going. While the pacing was slow, I saw a lot of parents needed to be eased into the topic at hand, there were certainly some emotional points for many there who hadn't had to confront the issue before. Getting past that, I thought Feather's approach was really sound. Her main thesis is that you can't prevent your kids from being in situations where an abuser will have access to them. Her quoted statistics say it is just too likely, something like 

1 in 3 girls are victims of some kind of sex abuse before age 18, and 1 in 7 boys in first world countries. 

Staggering stuff.

However what you can do is empower your kids with the confidence and language necessary to get out of the situation and make any would-be offender back off.

Here are the high level bullet points that I felt were really valuable to me as a dad, separated into techniques and factoids. A few of these I was definitely not doing, or falling into common parenting traps and assumptions that actually can enable an offender much more. Some of the examples are harsh, but important to understand. It may not be comfortable to think about, but its our job as parents to be strong and protect our kids. Take a deep breath and read on:

Factoids:

1. ~93% of  sex abuse happens from a person the child knows and trusts, NOT strangers, factoring in estimates from unreported.
2. As many as 47% of abuse cases are from family or extended family.
3. ~50% of abuse happens from an offender who is also under 18.
4. Estimated 88% of sex abuses are never reported to authorities.
5. Offenders can be family, neighbors, babysitters, religious leaders, teachers, coaches, or anyone else who has close contact with children. 
   1. NOTE: this does NOT mean that all of the people you interact with are going to abuse your child, the vast majority of people in the world are mentally healthy.  The point is simply that you can never predict where an offender will come from and you can't assume that because someone is in a certain category that they won't be an offender.
6. Offenders seek out children that are alienated.  They look for kids whose parents are too embarrassed to talk about sex with them.  They look for kids who need more positive attention from the loved ones in their lives.  Primarily, they look for kids whose parents just don't communicate openly with them.

A Few Techniques 

(these are geared towards younger kids as that's where my family is currently, but for older kids check out the links below):

1. Use anatomically correct language for genitals and all body parts.  Example of why this is important: little Alice tells her teacher one day, "My uncle ate my cookie last night."  Suppose Alice hasn't been taught the word vagina and Uncle has taught her this cute little metaphor.  Now the teacher may actually reinforce abuse by naively saying something like "I hope it was yummy."  Alice now thinks this is acceptable in the eyes of another trusted adult, and the offender has secured another hold on the child.
2. Practice Body Safety Rules and respect personal boundaries.  This means your kids understand every individual in the world has the right to be the boss of their own body.   Great example: Allow your kids to not give grandma a kiss or hug if they don't want to, and instead provide an alternate form of acknowledgment such as waving or just saying hi.  This lets them know it's OK to not be comfortable doing certain physical contacts, and they are in charge of their own comfort level and boundary, not anyone else.  Body Safety Rules can be summed up simply, and they go both ways-for your child and everyone else:
• Touching and physical play are healthy and important developmentally, BUT... we don't touch other people's private parts, and they don't touch ours.  With a few rare exceptions, such as we're at the doctor together and the doctor needs to examine or give medicine. Or if the child is young enough, when mom or dad has to clean them during a bath or diaper change, but only to get clean.
• We don't ever physically harm other people.  Straightforward.
• Practice giving and asking for privacy when appropriate (going to the bathroom, changing clothes, sleeping, etc.)
• We ALWAYS play with our clothes on.  At friends' houses or when we have friends or family at our house, playing naked with other people at a young age is not appropriate and opens the door for abusers.
• We don't take pictures or make movies or drawings of other people's private parts, and it's not OK for someone else to do any of those things with ours.
3. Give your child an out for authority figures, so they know it's OK to say "No" if their safety is being compromised.  This one I used to do all the time.  Example: "OK, the babysitter is in charge, so be good and do what she says."  You've just told your kid that good behavior is whatever the babysitter says, even if it's for example, to touch private parts.  Always let your kids know they can say no to any grown up or person in charge if they are being put in danger or if their body safety rules are being broken.
4. Don't keep secrets.  This one should be obvious but the language used is key.  Differentiate between secrets and surprises.  Secrets make you feel lonely and sad and nervous.  Surprises make you feel happy and bring you together with other people. Most importantly everyone knows about surprises and there is nothing to hide after the surprise happens.
5. Understand age appropriate sexual behavior.  Way too much depth to cover here, see the linkage below.
6. Listen to your kids.  Really listen.  When you converse, it's easy to dismiss your child's seemingly random comments, especially when they are younger.  Try to practice always asking probing questions in conversation with your children, get them to elicit more detail in every conversation you have.  The more they are comfortable explaining their lives to you, the more confident they'll be to approach you if something happens.

Let all the caregivers for your child know all the above and how much you communicate to your children.  

stopitnow.org is a pretty good website with a ton of more detailed information on the subject and actual references on statistics, etc.  

parentingsafechildren.com is Feather Burkower's site, where you can learn more about her background and her workshops.

If you are a parent, guardian, or care provider of children of any age, there is no reason not to be versed in these best practices.  It's never too late or too early to start empowering our kids to keep themselves safe and break the cycles of abuse.  I hope you get motivated to learn more about this subject and share with other parents, so all our kids will be as confident and empowered as possible should the unthinkable ever chance to happen.